Is Your Name Not Bruce
by The Seitz
Summary: A Montey Python spoof. (Bruce Sketch)


Is Your Name Not Bruce? or, Another Monty Python Spoof  
By The Seitz  
  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own anything. . ANYTHING YOU HEAR ME?! I'm homeless and I'm writing this for free from the LIBRARY!   
  
Authors Notes: I'm not really at the Library. It's snowing outside and I don't trust my car to start, much less drive the three blocks it would take to make it to the Library. I suppose I could walk it, but it IS snowing. Oh and to write this I had to listen to the Bruce Sketch about twenty-eight times and I don't think the people at the Library would appreciate that. *Sigh*  
  
Also, in case anyone is wondering a Poofter is Australian for Homosexual. No I'm not a Homophobe, if that offends you, your gripe is with some people over in London.   
  
*scene opens in the faculty room of the University of Wallamaloo. A professor sits at the large meeting table drinking beer. Another professor is just entering the room.*  
  
  
  
BRUCE: G'day Bruce.  
  
BRUCE: Oh! 'ello Bruce.  
  
BRUCE: How are ya Bruce?  
  
BRUCE: A bit crooked Bruce.  
  
BRUCE: Where's Bruce?  
  
BRUCE: He's not here Bruce.  
  
BRUCE: Blimey it's hot in here Bruce.  
  
BRUCE: Hot enough to boil a monkey's bum!  
  
BRUCE: That's a strange expression Bruce.  
  
BRUCE: Well Bruce, I heard the Prime Minister use it. "Hot enough to boil a monkey's bum in here Your Majesty" he said and she smiled quietly to herself.  
  
BRUCE: She's a good Sheila Bruce and not at all stuck up! Ah! Here's the boss fellow now! How are ya Bruce?  
  
*Two other men enter the room dragging along a very confused looking Batman behind them.*  
  
BRUCE: G'day Bruce.  
  
BRUCE: Bruce?  
  
BRUCE: 'Ello Bruce  
  
BRUCE: Bruce?  
  
BRUCE: How are ya Bruce?  
  
BRUCE: G'day Bruce   
  
BRUCE: Gentlemen I'd like to introduce a chap from Pommy-land who's joining us this year here in the Philosophy department, here at the University of Wallamaloo.  
  
BRUCE, BRUCE & BRUCE: G'day!  
  
BATMAN: Um. . hi? I think there's some mistake I'm on a case and. . .  
  
BRUCE: *Gesturing to each man* Let's see, Batman, Bruce, Batman, Bruce, and Batman, Bruce.  
  
BRUCE: Is your name not Bruce?  
  
BATMAN: *Nervously* NO! What ever gave you that idea? I'm Batman I've never even met anyone named-  
  
BRUCE: That's going to cause a little of confusion.   
  
BRUCE: Mind if we call you Bruce just to keep it clear?  
  
BATMAN: eep  
  
BRUCE: Gentlemen I think we'd better start the faculty meeting, before we start, I'd ask the Padre for a prayer.  
  
BRUCE: Oh lord we beseech thee. . .AMEN!  
  
BRUCE: *At the same time as Bruce* AMEN!  
  
BRUCE: *At the same time as Bruce* AMEN!  
  
BRUCE: AMEN! CRAP DO! *Pops the cap off another beer bottle*  
  
BRUCE: Now I call upon Bruce to officially welcome Batman to the Philosophy faculty.  
  
BATMAN: No I'm not supposed to-  
  
BRUCE: I'd like to welcome the pommy bastard to God's own earth, and remind him that we don't like stuck up sticky beaks here!  
  
BRUCE, BRUCE & BRUCE: Here here, well spoken Bruce!  
  
BRUCE: Bruce teaches classical philosophy, Bruce there teaches Hegelian philosophy, and Bruce here teaches logical positivism, and is also in charge of the beer shipment.  
  
BRUCE: What's new Bruce going to teach?  
  
BATMAN: Nothing.  
  
BRUCE: New Bruce will be teaching political science, Machiavelli, Benton Locke Hobbes Sattin Nimble Miller Hasset and Benel.  
  
BRUCE: Those are all cricketers!  
  
BRUCE: Aw spit!  
  
BRUCE: Hell's a derisive laughter Bruce!  
  
BRUCE, BRUCE, BRUCE, BRUCE:*standing* Australia Australia Australia we love AMEN!*sits down*  
  
BRUCE: Another chew! *Pops beer bottle caps*  
  
BRUCE: Any questions?  
  
BRUCE: Yeah, new Bruce, are you a poofter?  
  
BRUCE: Are you a poofter?  
  
BATMAN: No.  
  
BRUCE: No, right I just want to remind you of the faculty rules, Rule one-  
  
BRUCE, BRUCE, BRUCE & BRUCE: NO POOFTERS!!!  
  
BRUCE: Rule two no member is to maltreat the other members in any way at all. If there's anybody watching rule three-  
  
BRUCE, BRUCE, BRUCE & BRUCE: NO POOFTERS!!!  
  
BRUCE: Rule four, now this time I don't wanna catch anyone not drinkin' rule five-  
  
BRUCE, BRUCE, BRUCE & BRUCE: NO POOFTERS!!!  
  
BRUCE: Rule six, there is NOOOOOOOOO. . .rule six rule seven-  
  
BRUCE, BRUCE, BRUCE & BRUCE: NO POOFTERS  
  
BRUCE: Right, that concludes the reading of the rules, BRUCE!  
  
BRUCE: *Stands* This here's the Wattle, the emblem of our land, you can stick it in a bottle you can hold it in your hand!  
  
BRUCE, BRUCE, & BRUCE: AMEN!  
  
BRUCE, BRUCE, BRUCE & BRUCE: *singing*   
Immanuel Camp was a real piss ant who was very rarely stable.  
  
Heideger, heideger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table  
  
David Hue could out consume William Frederic Hagle  
  
And Wickenstein was a beery swine who was just a schlost as Schlagel  
  
There's nothin' nature could teach 'yer about the raising of the rist  
  
Socrates himself was permanently pissed  
  
John Stewart Mill of his own free will on half a bottle of Scanty was particularly ill  
  
David Hey could stick it away, half a crate of whiskey everyday  
  
Aristotle Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle, also fond of his Gram  
  
And rainy day Cart was a drunken fart "I drink there for I am"  
  
Yes Socrates himself is particularly missed  
  
A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed!  
  
  
Fin 


End file.
